Just Do It Remrie!!!!

Remrie Ra Arrie
Realizations of Whys
11/15/09

Right now at 11:02 in the morning November 15, 2009 I am sitting in my black leather computer chair in my apartment in Canoga Park right outside of LA wondering this…

What I should do between now and May or August of 2010

And

Why am I having so much trouble trying to ‘just do it’?
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As I sit here I decide to skip thinking about the here and now and go back all the way to my days in high school at Project Insight special education alternative school for students with special needs. A school of 50 students max grades 7-12, 2 hallways and 7 classrooms.

1. I wake up

2. I get on the bus

3. I ride the bus for an hour through the country side sleeping the entire way down gravel roads, passing corn fields.

4. I arrive at school and get off the bus

5. I hang around until class starts, in that time I am free to do what I want. The options in this time of about 15 minutes is get a drink, chat with friends, have a game of pool on a beat up torn billiards table, draw and anything deemed ‘orderly’ within school regulations.

6. I go to class, participate, if bored maybe I draw while in class or stare out the window or fallow the lines of grain in the tables spiraling in circles and stretching the length of the table which was really comprised of wood particulates covered with a plastic layer to make it look like solid wood.
7. I’d move from class to class with short breaks in between after each 30 minute class, 7 classes in a day. Class by class I would repeat the same behavior to fallow the code of ‘orderly’ within the school regulations. Less I end up arrested, in juvenile hall, and relocated to an even more strict school.

8. When recess came by the options of activities would be the same. Take 20 minutes to get a drink, chat with friends, play a game of pool, draw etc…

9. Lunch I’d be ordered to sit down and wait, have my name called and rush to get in line, served and sit back down. After 15 minutes of eating fallow 20 minutes of recess. Again I can drink, chat with friends, play a game of pool, or draw.

10. During class when not interested in the subject or topic, if I requested or forcefully chose to do something of educational interest to me, such as read a different story from the same text book, my request would be rejected and my forceful choice to do it anyways would act in punishment. As the case when I chose to read a Japanese story about a dog in feudal Japan rather than the traditional curriculum Ms. Bowen already planned for the day. Lord forbid my lack of interest in what she thinks is useful to teach and learn be of no relevance to me and my life.

11. Waiting for the busses and for my name to be called I can choose the same options of waiting quietly, get a drink, chat, draw, or shoot pool before being called to my bus, sent home, through the country back roads to arrive back at home. Completing yet another average school day, maybe even a ‘good’ day at school.
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I find after this entire process I realize I have been obligated to perform given tasks with minor 10 to 30 minute breaks to do my own activity as long as it’s ‘orderly’.

From 7am to 3:30 when I arrive at home. 8 hour work day obligated to perform certain tasks and ordered to maintain a certain standard by those responsible for me.
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12. At home now, I have no obligation to do anything with no limits of any kind and no fear of being punished. The world is my workshop… And I’m bored.

13. Nobody to work with, no friends to hang out, no proactive parents, a tired grandmother of no worth, small town one and a half miles wide, 3,300 people, one traffic signal, and a brick road I’d ride back and forth on more than any other.

14. From 3:30 to 12:00 am I did nothing. Ride my bike, martial arts, had dinner, play videogames, no interests of any kind. When at the library waiting in line to use the computer for internet to hang out on a social online forum I would pick up the occasional book, one on Japanese mythology reading the story of Kono Hana Sakuya Hime – The Lady who Makes the Trees Bloom, the cherry blossom trees. Occasionally something on cats, more-so on human gender but that’s it.

15. That spanned 5+ years. Upon graduation some of it was self directed in college, but outside the classrooms of only 2 classes a semester no I had no obligations to do anything. Maybe homework for fear of failing the class but all that was on my own. I didn’t go to dad for help with homework and when I did I didn’t feel comfortable or encouraged. I actually worked with a teacher from high school on homework rather than my dad who has a two masters degrees to be a teacher.


16. I eventually got into EATM the exotic animal college out in California and had a TON of obligations, never ending. But also I had a lot of room to do what I wanted! And a support system to do anything. Although due to some secondary issues I failed out of the program in May 2007 and have had no obligations since then, now it’s November 2009; 2.5 years later.

17. I have since then done a lot of stuff for myself to get to where I am now, changing genders, making more friends, learning several different things, etc… nothing of much value really besides gender and a few self esteem things.

18. And now I write this paper trying to figure out why I can’t do anything for myself.
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In the end when all is said and done, I see I had this huge chunk of my life obligated to do certain tasks a certain way with limited flexibility to do my own thing, with few to no resources to really grow and expand; especially lacking emotional encouragement. Nothing says “do a great job and do your best!!! I know you can do it!” like being arrested, hand cuffed in a chair alone in a room getting bitched out by a lady in a suit with two armed officers and fined for anything ‘off task’ in school even if it requires the same task.

I came out of high-school with the mentality to act like a robot, and that’s exactly how I acted for the longest time I could not break out of it. My employer Thom Lawson was the man to experience this first hand. I’d come to work, ask what needs to be done, do it, come back ask what else needs to be done, do it, come back and ask what else need to be done, and do it. If nothing needed to be done I did nothing. Or in the case of one employee of his from my school he instructed the kid to clean a certain spot of the floor, and the kid did it, and kept doing it, and kept doing it, and kept doing it until he was instructed to do something else.

I feel this is why I couldn’t do any work for my dad unless it was very simple or he was working with me, otherwise it wouldn’t get done because it was an on-your-own task. I didn’t know how to work on my own…. And to this day while I can’t say I still don’t, it’s definitely a psychological program to overcome to do it. While I could do anything for Robert Kiyosaki in anything business and real estate at the drop of a hat upon any order ‘do it –now-‘ I would do it with my best gusto. But even if someone of his stature came to me and said “Remrie, I want you to buy your first property by May 2010 I know you can do it” while I would be extremely motivated he would tell me that in person, I would find it hard to maintain a consistent work habit even for 1 hour a day let alone 8 hours everyday as in elementary, middle, and high-school.
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How to break free of it –
I know a lot of the skills. It takes certain mentality, emotions, affirmations, supportive peers, a lover, a reason, meaning, personal value, etc… but somewhere in my knowledge I am lost. I feel as though my greatest reason for lack of motivation and commitment is due to not having a lover, or supportive peers who do the same things to work with me as a team (this is where parents fall in as well which I also lack) and nobody is bossing me around to do anything.

By now after writing this all out I have a clearer idea and understanding of –why– I have so much difficulty. However I do find myself at a lost of being able to physically do things with all this time in my hands; I affirm myself, I encourage myself, I find supports and peers to encourage me in life in general, but I think I still lack the most influential people to have in my life. A family to call my own, and a lover who is supportive and actively works with me too.

Because when my relationship with Heather took off, I became close with her and her family even to the point I was calling her mom my mom. They took me in, they worked with me on my goals in real estate, gave me encouragement, resources, advice, etc, and with Heather I felt like I could do anything. Then a bunch of crap happens and I lose my confidence in them and no longer feel welcomed by them or included, Heather walks by me without even so much as a wave, no job, only one college course and as a result nothing happens because nobody is there –with– me.

At the peek of my relationship with Heather I was enrolled in a Rich Dad – Real Estate coaching program, had a real estate coach of my own I consulted with, a family to work with, a best friend and possible lover at the time, and I had a goal to buy a property by Jan 1st 2009. And I almost succeeded too had I secured the financing because between Xmas and New Years I was walking through the property, had all the numbers, and loved it. And I loved the feeling. “I’m going to do this” I thought.


While I need to get on with my life and keep going forward, I feel like I can’t unless I find the people to support me and a lover to express myself with and through. And consequently I don’t feel like I can find those people and include them in my life unless I get on with my life and keep moving forward because those are the things those people are doing too.

Which leaves the solution to this challenge, and the solution is to “Just do it.”